Prayer

I am but flesh and you are a most holy God. My sins are ever before me, weighting me down, and causing you to be displeased with me. They retard my spiritual progress. They paralyze me. I am seized with fear because of this condition I am in. My sins prevent me form sweet fellowship with you, and from doing any good to my brethren, as well as to those that are of the lost sheep. My spirit is tormented day and night. My body is as my spirit is, it is as if it is torn to pieces because of my sins. I have felt the heat and flames of this world and of hell upon my body and mind. I bear scares because of this both internally and externally. I shriek back from your presence in horror. Let not this state of mine continue. It would be dreadful for it to be my eternal lot. Such pain is only a small sampling of what is to come for those outside of Christ. Do not hide your face from me any longer. I cannot bear it. I know it will not be for much longer that your presence will be removed from me if you will only remember to look upon me by way of the cross. It is your promise Lord that you will be with me and never utterly forsake me. You will not cast me off forever will you? My anxiety renders me dumbfounded. I am become as Nebuchadnezzar--beside myself. Depression consumes me. Darkness surrounds me.
But I have tasted of your goodness and how sweet it is. Let me now feast upon you. I have learned what it means to be separated from you. And if I must go through all of my life in the valley and not on the mountain, I will gladly do it, as painful as it is, if it brings me into your eternal presence. I will be as Job. Though I am slain yet will I serve you. It would be nice, however, to view things from a high peak again. I bring to memory how good you have been to me in times past, how mighty your hand has been in saving me, in protecting me; how comforting your spirit has been to me, and how you have blessed those closest to me with your presence.
Walk with me closer Lord. Speak to me louder. Teach me. I want to know you. I love you. You love me and gave your life for me. But I am slow in understanding and hard of hearing. Open my eyes to your beauty, love, grace, kindness. Reveal yourself to me in such a way that it would not be possible for me to ever entertain worldliness again, never pursue lusts of the flesh. Turn my attention to you. My mind is easily distracted, my thoughts wonder from you. I must strive to know you. It is my intention to pursue you with more aggression than I have pursued my sins. Give me the strength to do this. Reveal yourself to me. Cause my face to shine like Moses' face shown because I have been in your company. Let others say of me, "he has been with the Lord." Let me see your glory. I am your child. Does a father not wish to spend time with his child? If I ask for bread will you give me a stone or if I ask for a fish will you give me a serpent? Did not you redeem me with your very own blood. I cannot bear these burdens they are too heavy. Lord you will not cast off forever will you? Your mercy does not allow for me to be consumed. who is God like you that pardons iniquity and does not stay angry, but delights in mercy? Turn to me and have compassion on me. Subdue my iniquities. Cast my sins into the depths of the sea.
The world and the flesh promise fullness and satisfaction, but these promises are lies and only lead to bitterness and pain. Every sin that I have committed the devil replays in my mind like a broken record. I have sought life in death and happiness in sorrow. If only I could train my mind to seek you, the spring of eternal life, and mountain top of happiness! If only I would take up your burden for it is lighter than mine. What a fallen degenerate mind I have that prefers pain over true felicity--a form of love to true love. The flesh is a parasite to my soul draining my life's blood out. Substitute this blood with the blood of Christ. Was it not shed on my behalf? Sanctify me Lord with your spirit. I long for the completion of the redemption of my flesh. I would be as Enoch and come into your presence now if you would but make it so. Though Satan would have me do so, I do not worry for my family. I know you would take care of them.
I suffer though Lord under the weight of sin and am despairing unto the point of slighting Christ and his crucifixion. Forgive me. Increase my faith. Have me to mourn my sins but do not let me be consumed under them. You have told me to not be anxious for anything. And so surely this cannot be the lot of one of your redeemed that I can hardly know any peace.
What will you have me do in this world Lord? I have not died an infant or child. I often wonder why? I will have lived thirty seven years next sabbath if it is your will. What shall I do in this life? Do you want me to sell all my worldly possessions for your kingdom? I will gladly do it. They are not many and are truly already yours. I am content with this. Will you have me go to a foreign land? Here am I send me. Will you have me to minister--to preach your word? Give me the knowledge and grace to do so. Shall I continue in manual labor? I will do it. Will you have me write of the things of God. I will. I hope someone will be blessed by reading this prayer. Perhaps they can sympathize with it and you will speak to their heart. There have been many prayers of others that have been of a spiritual help to me. I am glad you allowed them to be preserved. I know we are not to pray proudly and repetitiously for people to see, but Lord I pray in humility and keep a record of this prayer for my own memory and in the case you lead someone to cross paths with it, and be blessed in some way. I don't see how they could though my words become as ash to me. I speak the truth, however. Everything I have said, I said from my heart. This is how I feel.
Lord I desire to be great in your kingdom, but will be happy to be the least. I want to be known, but only that you will be exalted and in knowing me people will know you. But Lord if I am never recognized by anyone in this world I am glad to have been known by you. He that would be greatest must be the least. The one that would be master must be servant of all. What a mystery! Father hear your son's cry for your attention. Holy Spirit sanctify me and bring me into sweet fellowship with you. Lord Jesus take this my burden and the guilt of my sins. Lord hear this prayer of your most humble servant and who is the least of all that is in your kingdom.
And though I see and feel my need to pray further regarding all these things, I cannot find the right words to speak unto you. All of my talk becomes babel in my ears and confusion in mind. So Lord, you speak to me. I will listen.